"I want to write." she said
"I want to write, to write, to write
And with my words I'll start a fight!
Tackle this world and make it right!
Yes this is why, this is why I'll write."
And with a small laugh I noted she rhymed all to often.
For awhile she thought thoughtful thoughts.
And for awhile she saw the world for what it was.
For awhile her eyes collected tears and she cried.
And for awhile she wrote of her woes.
For awhile she grew sadder.
And for awhile we grew apart.
Eventually she grew tired.
Eventually she stopped crying.
Eventually she came home.
"Tonight I want to dance my love." She told me
"I would like to dance tonight, dance as lovers dance"
"I would like to dance again."
So we danced
And on the dance floor we swayed
Like the dipping of waves
Her lips came to my ear to tell me but one thing
"The beauty of the world is within its simplicity."
So I told her she was simple
And she smiled as if she had found her answer.
And we danced.
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Comments
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"just another dead fag to you... but I'm glad you're on my side"
=RawEm0tion =Writers-Club ~The-Last-Stanza ~writeaway =PoetryPlease
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Proudly a Member of the Writer's Club [link]
"I want to write." she said
"I want to write, to write, to write
And with my words I'll start a fight!
Tackle this world and make it right!
Yes this is why, this is why I'll write."
And with a small laugh I noted she rhymed all to often.
I'm not liking this first part too much, it doesn't seem to flow very well. The words the girl says sound...awkward. I don't know. She's saying the reasons blatantly why she writes, but so what? Why should the reader care? And the last line makes it slightly better, but the last line also reads like prose. In fact, I noticed a lot of lines that read like prose. Try working on metre more, and broadening your vocabulary.
Sometimes repetition works, but not too often. And besides a metre tune-up, try some subtlety in your writing. Instead of saying everything outright, work with similes and metaphors. Personification, and imagery. Poetic devices are your friend
And this middle bit:
For awhile she grew sadder.
And for awhile we grew apart.
Eventually she grew tired.
Eventually she stopped crying.
Eventually she came home.
It's a little cliche, to be honest. Spice it up a bit...maybe make it sound fresher. Nouns, verbs, and adjectives. All very exciting in a poem, especially the first two. Nouns and verbs are also your friends, very much, because they'll keep you reader excited and keep the flow going.
So work on:
Metre and flow
Poetic Devices
Killing those clichés
and
Word choice and spelling.
Not too much to keep in mind, I hope
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"All art is actually quite useless." -- Oscar Wilde
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Proudly a Member of the Writer's Club [link]
--
"All art is actually quite useless." -- Oscar Wilde
--
Proudly a Member of the Writer's Club [link]
--
"All art is actually quite useless." -- Oscar Wilde
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tomorrow will bring sunshine!
Well, I cannot get but only two of the groups that I need to display to display ... any suggestions as to why they arae
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Some people say they haven't yet found themselves. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates.
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